Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Rid of me- movie
Begins with two women in a grocery store- one walks up to the other and smears period blood on the others face. Next the film slowly introduces the backstory- the woman who received the red wing had stolen the others husband. Luckily, the woman who smeared the blood ventures outside of herself and makes new friends, develops herself, snd lives happily ever after. A random tole from Art of Everclear
Monday, June 25, 2012
epiphany
Lately, I feel like I don't know myself well enough. I've started really analyzing my social and psychiatric issues and really began to spiral from there. I have turned a corner this past weekend, and feel like I'm climbing back out of this episode of extreme self-doubt and destructive behavior.
Although not entirely sure when - looking back, I think I started to feel like 12 year old me again, instead of the happiness that I had found in friends, partying, etc. and mostly Cooper. Instead of recognizing it as the depression that it was, I began to notice that the flicker in Cooper's eye didn't seem quite as evident when he smiled at me- the smiles became fewer and further between- the general grumbling whenever we were together- had started to make me question his love for me and ability to make me happy. The thought of moving forward without the spark that ignites what little is good in me- helped to aid in the dillusion that I could keep my own flame burning without him, and was going to prove it to myself. I am grateful for this breakdown because I can fully appreciate this amazing friendship I have with the love of my life. It's a rarity.
I watched "The Woodmans" just a few minutes ago, a documentary about an artist's suicide. I always watch these stories with the eagerness to pinpoint "where it went wrong" so I could lay breadcrumbs for my mind to leave the path of self destruction. I feel like the last few months, I was just waiting for this all to make sense- why I kept being compelled to make really bad decisions with a half heart. I don't want to be a bad person, but kept feeling like I was determined to prove that I was. I could probably think very long on what's just emerged- this has been a significant breakthrough. I have to wrap up now, hope I can reopen all of this to a point that is theurapeutic.
Although not entirely sure when - looking back, I think I started to feel like 12 year old me again, instead of the happiness that I had found in friends, partying, etc. and mostly Cooper. Instead of recognizing it as the depression that it was, I began to notice that the flicker in Cooper's eye didn't seem quite as evident when he smiled at me- the smiles became fewer and further between- the general grumbling whenever we were together- had started to make me question his love for me and ability to make me happy. The thought of moving forward without the spark that ignites what little is good in me- helped to aid in the dillusion that I could keep my own flame burning without him, and was going to prove it to myself. I am grateful for this breakdown because I can fully appreciate this amazing friendship I have with the love of my life. It's a rarity.
I watched "The Woodmans" just a few minutes ago, a documentary about an artist's suicide. I always watch these stories with the eagerness to pinpoint "where it went wrong" so I could lay breadcrumbs for my mind to leave the path of self destruction. I feel like the last few months, I was just waiting for this all to make sense- why I kept being compelled to make really bad decisions with a half heart. I don't want to be a bad person, but kept feeling like I was determined to prove that I was. I could probably think very long on what's just emerged- this has been a significant breakthrough. I have to wrap up now, hope I can reopen all of this to a point that is theurapeutic.
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